Voting.

Alas, the once proud bebo is on the way out, like a little floating jobby caught in the swirling water after you've pulled the plug. To be honest, I'll only faintly miss it as I migrated my drunken midnight ramblings to facebook long ago. The chat thing is better and I'm addicted to Farmville. Yes, I know. I'm shit.

The only problem with this, though, is Facebook lacks any kind of Blogging facility. Can you imagine? Staggering home early on Sunday morning with nothing but status updates to vent your overflowing brain with? It's horrific, especially for the people on my friends list who awake on a Sunday to find their updates page filled with me swearing (creatively, I might add, but swearing none-the-less). I often find myself scared to go back on the internet ever again when I wake up.

Ah. Aaaaaah I hear you say. You have a blog, but! You do! You're writing in it right now, you'll probably be saying, you sharp little tack you. Yes, I would reply, trying not to sound too patronizing (that's when people treat you like you're stupid....... pfffffft I love that joke) but I have a grand total of zero followers on blogger. Yep, that's right! None! I don't come here enough to have amassed any. So whoever it was who said that about me having a blog, I must have imagined you. Still, needs must, because something has been on my mind. I hear there is to be a general election. And for the first time in recorded history, I could not give a dog's fart who wins it.

My reasons, dear imaginary reader, are many. And, uncharacteristically for a quiet soul like myself, I shall let you in on some of them.

Here we are.

Firstly, the idea that my vote counts as much (or little) as someone who likes N-Dubz is just wholly unacceptable. I mean, I'm all for equality when it comes to almost anything, sex, race, religion, I don't care! We should all play nice and share our toys, but I cannot be doing with twats. For fuck's sake, one of them looks like someone has put a bobble-hat on Pob from Pob's Playtime. It beggars belief that someone could make their way home from HMV (presumably after stabbing the bus driver) and put up a massive poster of them on their wall, then nip out and decide who runs the country for the next four years. In short, you should have your IQ (and possibly musical tastes) vetted before being allowed to vote. I realise not all N-Dubz fans are twats (God that tasted bitter) or stupid, but I'm merely using the most twattish band I know for illustrational purposes.

Second. I went to put petrol in my car the other day. I am now looking to consolidate my debts into one easily affordable monthly payment. The tax on booze has just increased. Meanwhile, we pay for all the MP's petrol, booze, orgies, fondue parties, mistress's houses and whatever else they can get their greedy, fat little claws on. Whoever we vote in, it won't change. I genuinely believe that, now. Anyone calling me apathetic is...... well, right, but can I be blamed?

Also, on the subject of petrol prices. We're running out of oil (apparently) so the price goes up. The world is sweltering in a haze of greenhouse gasses thicker than a guiness fart at 4 in the morning. Now, and I swear this is true, I saw last year, on one of my late nights, a TV programme from 2004-5 about gadgets (maybe it was the gadget show). They had a fully working hydrogen fuel powered car. Fully working, went over 100mph, no emissions, had it's own home-station for creating hydrogen fuel from water. This was 5 years ago at least, and they confidently predicted we'd all be driving them in 5-10 years time. What have we now? Hybrids. That need petrol. Apparently water powered cars are in development, but the fuel costs so much to make it will cost just as much as petrol. BULLSHIT. I saw it on the bloody telly! They had one, and there was a wee baldy guy with big ears driving it! But if we all had water powered cars, who would lose out? Mmm hmm. Another wee nail in the coffin of my giving a fuck about anything there. We could save the planet and take one step closer to a star-trek like utopia, but what stops us? Greedy little rich cunts clinging on to their monopolies. Sorry for sounding like a conspiracy nut, but I swear to God I saw it with my own eyes (well, on the telly, like). (Don't get me started on the shits that petition against wind farms because "it spoils the view, whinge fucking whinge, how would a 300 feet thick curtain of fire in the atmosphere brighten your day you short-sighted jism-stain? I might have embellished global warming a bit there, but poetic license.)

I haven't blogged for ages, I'm getting into it again :D

Thirdly, if none of the big parties are going to make it legal to stab someone who refuses to shut up/stop texting in the cinema then I'm going home and I'm taking my ball with me.

Fourthly, I'm far too busy playing Final Fantasy XIII to move out of my room on polling day. At least I have a chance of seeing that through to a successful conclusion.

Fifth....erm.... ly, the war. I've put a lot of thought into "the war" over the past nine or so years. The way I view the world really is this. There are bad people and there are good people. Most people are neither fully one way or the other, but basically, if you're a dick then it's your own fault if no-one likes you, even if you do occasionally crack a funny joke between bouts of arseholishness. (coincidentally, there are very few people who I genuinely don't like, if you can believe that. There are some though.) Translated to global sized policy, if you look at "the war on terror" that ITN keeps banging on about, it seemed like a good idea for us (the goodies) to bomb the shite out of them (the baddies). Having scratched the surface though, and realising that "us" might in fact include quite a lot of the baddies, and "them" probably includes a fair old whack of innocent goodies, who now think we're ALL baddies and want us to die in a big fire, and things become less black and white. What to do though? Pull out our troops, leave the countries in a shambles for the proper hardcore baddy-types to come in and take over? Or keep spitting brave young troops and money into the fire. Well, both seem like a bad idea to me, but theres no third option is there? Nukes? No. I didn't say that, shh, moving on. Confused? I fucking am! I used to care about this stuff, but it's such a royal clusterfuck that now I don't even care, we're going to be buggered right up the chuff either way. I'll play Killzone 2, I know who the fucking baddies are in that.

Lastly, for now, whether it's true or not, I cannot be arsed listening to how seemingly important political arguments are reduced to pathetic childish whingeing every single day on the news. We shouldn't dumb stuff down for stupid people...... stupid people don't care! They're all off playing their x-boxes or burning out cars. What next? I'll tell you what's next. Wayne Rooney for bloody Prime Minister, that's what's next. Christ on a bike.

In short (well, after the long version) the whole thing is just a pointless waste of effort I could better employ setting a fire in a field or shooting a cat with an air gun, both of which would probably have more effect on the country than my vote will.

I'm going to draw my own box and vote for Stephen Fry. I really, really am. Probably.