There's this theory in astrophysics about how the universe will end called "the big crunch". Basically, it states that gravity will eventually (in about 30 billion years, so best start getting organized) pull all the galaxies. stars and planets into one super-super dense point in space. The thought that my atoms might one day be smushed up aganst those of Alex Reid makes my blood run cold, I can tell you. Now, they think these days that this probably won't happen (dark matter and all that stuff, I go down a storm with the kids, me) but I have discovered an alarming trend which proves that it IS happening, and not in 30 bazillion years either! Right now! In your own living room! I know this because if you look at "new" stuff these days with anything more than the usual amount of notice your average ugg-wearer is capable of, you'll see that everything in the known universe is slowly merging into the same bland thing.
I first hit upon my earth shattering theory the other day, when listening to some generic shit on the radio. It dawned on me after listening to half the song that it wasn't, in fact, the song I thought I had been listening to, but a "new" one. I heard another one today.... that new pink one and that "price tag" shite..... practically identical. Then it hit me! I heard something else which startled me while wandering around in a shopping precinct at the weekend. Cro-magnon shitfest Oasis's droning "stop crying your heart out" was being belted out at a steadily increasing scream by generic warbler Leona Lewis. Now, I'm no Oasis fan (you only have to listen to how shit the lyrics are to "she's electric" to realise how easily they made their money) but there really was no need for them to go that far to make their songs even worse. I was always a blur man myself, but shit as I thought Oasis were, they still reside several miles farther up in my estimations than the pre-packaged shit that does "cover versions" of songs to fill Simon Cowell's pockets. The explanation is this.... there is such a gaping hole in the entertainment market and so many greedy, money grabbing record producers crying about not being able to afford another gold ferrari because of people downloading music, that any real talent or innovation is swamped into insignificance by money-spinning shit like Leona Lewis or Rihanna. I even heard a radio DJ describing Madonna as "the Lady Gaga of her day" as if she was some stoory old painting from the 16th century. But he was right! Lady Gaga is just a copy, and a shit one at that. (Incidentally, how come it's ok for her to strip to practically nothing and waggle her naked bits at kids through a television, but it a beer-stained old guy does it in a public park that's wrong? At least madonna wasn't verging on the obscene in videos that anyone old enough to work a remote control can see. You can't have it both ways, humanity. Yes you did pick up what I was meaning right, I'm saying Lady Gaga is fucking disgusting and kids shouldn't be allowed to see her. And I mean it, too. But back to the fun.) Anything decent that somehow manages to slip through the net and actually make it into the limelight is then mercilessly remade again and again and again to spread it's success to as many people as possible. They're "re-imagining" songs that have barely been out for a year these days. Why? Money. Again. All the songs are getting sucked into a black hole of mediocrity and sameness, and even the singers themselves are losing any sort of uniquness. I can't tell them apart, they're all so similar. Justin Bieber's taken it one further still, being neither fully male nor female. It's madness.
Yep. another thing money has ruined.
But it's not just music. If it was, who gives a shit, right? Let the idiots have their dross. It's everything, though. When was the last time you went to the pictures and saw a genuinely interesting and fresh film? If it isn't a remake these days it's set along the same basic formula of 50 films before it to ensure as many henley wearing retards go to throw popcorn at the screen as possible. More on these dicks in another blog, for now I'll stick to the point. Even take the humble remake to prove my point further. When was the last time you saw a film that didn't have a "love interest" to broaden the audience and make more money? Or a wise-cracking sidekick? Even if the original film was a decent movie, they'll shoe-horn in as much generic shit as possible to ensure there's "something for everyone". Just look at "The hitcher" for an example. The original was a proper tension fest. The remake was generic teenage slasher drivel, like 100 other films released that year. I'm waiting for a re-release of "The Usual Suspects" starring Ashton fucking Kutcher as a sensitive reimagining of Kaiser Soze, and some bint out of hollyoaks as his romantic love interest. That'll draw the crowds!
I mean, just look at a tiny section of film, shall we? Lets say..... ooooh, I dunno, stick to what I know..... horror. Right. Back when things were good, horror was interesting. You had a massive variety of denizens of the dark to scare the shit out of you. Zombies. Ghosts. Werewolves. Vampires. Mutant swamp monsters. Aliens. Each with their own unique traits, dangers, strengths and weaknesses, each of them evil and out to eat your face. Then some boffin behind the scenes thought "Hey.... what if they weren't evil, but were good instead!" Hurrah! An interesting twist! But wait. Now they're ALL just ordinary sexy teenage hunks and sexpots, having relationships and arguments while learning to cope with their unusual lives. Innovative? Interesting? No it fucking isn't, it's fucking well hollyoaks with sharp teeth, and it's another step on the ladder to a generic, corporate blandness where we all look the same, like the same and think the same.
It's spreading out now from what we watch and listen to to every aspect of our lives. Yesterday, in a 10 minute period, I counted 25 pairs of ugg boots walking past me. 25! I use ugg wearers to denote what I think of the drones of society, the generic workers that don't think much about stuff and tend to dress alike and like the same things..... the male equivalent are henleys. To everyone else, it seems, they look the business, but to me (and I know I shouldn't think like this but I can't help it) they look thick. They would, I'm sure, argue that what they wear doesn't denote their true personality, and they would be right, were it not for the fact that they are DRESSING UP LIKE THEIR FRIENDS LIKE CHILDREN DO. Thick as the proverbial shit. Uggs and Henleys. I've used those words for years now, but even I didn't realise it was as bad. 25 seperate people in 10 minutes, all wearing the same, slightly stupid looking footwear. Why? Because they've been TOLD to. By adverts and peer pressure, footwear that looks stupid and costs a fortune.
This is what happens when you let teenagers decide things. It started in the 90s, the gradual rise of the importance of teenage angst. Suddenly they weren't confused, gangly idiots learning their way in the world, they were tortured souls with a message to spread, a cruelly ignored voice. In actual fact they were a marketing opportunity and they were thick, as they have always and will always be..... teenagers will buy anything if you can convince them it's cool. And that's what it's all about. Making everything appear cool to as many teenagers as possible. Seen the story 100000 times before? Heard that lyric in 50000 other songs? Fuck it, the teenagers haven't, they'll lap it up.
The second splitting kids into distinct groups becomes less profitable than having them all the same, we'll see the first Marilyn Manson/Olly Murs cross over, believe me.
Money grabbing is ruining everyting. Music, films, even shit like sport. Mark my words. We're headed for a black hole.
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